Why Funerals?

Female funeral celebrant stood at lecturn in cremation chapel

Most people seem to hate funerals, and I get that, but I love them, which is handy given my role as a celebrant. It’s an unpopular opinion, and I should probably explain that when I say I love them, it’s not because I like seeing people crying or unhappy. It’s because I think they have  a really important function in society, and in our personal grief process.

Pretty much all cultures in all times and places have some form of ritual acknowledgement of a person’s death (and some animals do too), which makes it clear that there’s a reason for this and importance to it. What this ritual looks like, who attends, what they do, wear, eat, say, changes from culture to culture and time to time, but the fact that a death is marked in some way, that is almost universal. And that’s because it matters that we mark death, acknowledge it, pause and breathe into the enormity, not just of the loss of the person who has died, but the fact that death exists and is coming for us all.

How that looks doesn’t just have to vary on religious grounds, but for each individual. For some, there’s a huge comfort in the familiar, in hearing the same words intoned as you bury generations of the same family, secure not just in the religious significance, but that these same words are always there, and will be when its your time too. There is meaning and beauty in that.

However, for others, there’s comfort in a funeral shaped around who that person was in life. In something different, that really reflects them: their personality, their hobbies and interests, their music tastes. Funerals and memorials don’t have to be held in chapels, although there is nothing wrong with that either. You can still have individuality in that setting. I’ve seen crematorium chapels transformed with pound shop Halloween decorations, memories evoked by a wicker coffin sprayed with the deceased’s perfume, and plenty of colour through different dress codes. I’ve also led ceremonies in places and venues with special meaning for families: sports clubs, choir rooms, and, once, a polytunnel filled with greenery.

I get asked a lot if things are allowed—swearing, particular music, nobody speaking, everyone speaking, things on the coffin, more than three songs, no songs—and my answer is always the same. If it works for you, and it doesn’t harm anyone else, then we can find a way to do it. Recently, I was told I couldn’t burn sage around the coffin (because you can’t burn things in a crematorium, on which, I beg to differ). I found other ways to make it work that suited the family and honoured the deceased.

So, if you have a crazy idea for your or another’s funeral, tell someone! Tell me. If there’s something you kind of want there, but you aren’t sure how or even why, talk about it. Make your funeral your own. Honour your loved ones in ways that feel right to you, and don’t worry about other people thinking it’s weird or inappropriate. What have you seen at a funeral that made you go “Yes! That was them!”? We all deserve that and it’s never too late to make it happen.